Last week, Serena Facebook messaged me and asked why I hated her so much. If you’ve all been reading along, you probably would guess that it was closer to absolute infatuation. I have to call it like I see it, so I rag on the contestants equally (except for Artie – that ukelele video is still pissing me off). Either way, I’m going to interview Serena sometime in the next few weeks and put that up on my blog, so stay tuned. If there’s any hint at my undying love and affection for Serena in this post, I have failed you as a blogger.

9:00 – Aria: Last week Susie told me I was forgettable. Please tell me this foreshadowing means she goes home. Then Brad is the next one defending himself? Well, it’s going to be one of those two going home today. Curses! Artie is safe for another week.
9:03 – This week’s challenge is the Three Ingredient Theme Party Challenge. You get three ingredients, and some kind of event (poker game, ladies’ luncheon, pool party, etc.) hand have to make a themed bite out of them. Tom got the toughest draw, in my opinion (cheese, tea, and almonds). Brianna don’t do baby b-day bashes. Here’s proof:

Waaahhh … WAAAAAAaahhhhhhh.

9:05 – For as much as can’t stand Artie, she sticks to her “culinary point-of-view” like a motherfucker. Gotta respect that.
9:06 – Bob on Brad: I felt like I was watching the tin man when he finally got the oil to the joints. Best. Similie. Ever.

9:08 – Bobby: C’mon Herb! Where’s that Herb action? He bombs. I’ve gotta tell you that this shit isn’t that easy. I’m just thinking back to the Sears Chef Challenge and I felt like my video SUCKED, but I guess the people liked my camera presence better than the other contestants there that day (or one of the guys at Sears likes my blog) because they selected me as a potential finalist. All the “uh” in that video still kills me. You don’t get ten takes to get it right on the food network, huh? Production crews are expensive, so if you can knock out a few half-hour shows a day, you’re going to make more money for the network than the douche who knocks out one every two days. I need to find something other than “um” to say when I pause.

Hmmm …

What about “Y’all?” It works for Paula Deen.
9:10 – Serena: I am posting a poker night for my husband and his friends. Oh God … HUSBAND? Stick the knife in and twist it, why don’t you? I knew it was too good to be true. That’s it, the gloves are off! Peanuts, steak and bacon – Three things I usually love that sound kind of nasty together. I guess it was good. Oh well
9:12 – Tom and Brad win the first challenge and actually win something. I guess we’re going to see them in between commercials on the Cooking Channel.
9:16 – The elimination challenge – reinvent a classic dish with a twist. Same thing every season. This year, they relate it to Frank Sinatra. What’s that mean? Class it up? Make it 60s?
9:18 – Brad just ordered quarter-inch thick bacon. I guarantee that guy wins the challenge.
9:20 – Aria just decided that Deep-fried shrimp = pigs-in-a-blanket. and in her own words, she’s “taking a huge risk.” What do you mean, Aria … taking a huge risk by ignoring the challenge? Pigs-in-a-blanket aren’t good enough for you, or Frank Sinatra for that matter? Be expecting a call from the national pigs-in-a-blanket lobby this morning.
9:22 – Tom’s lobster situation is the true embodiment of a lobster massacre. He did just say “I like to play with myself.” Is that the biggest gaffe in NFNS history. I’m gonna go with YYEEEEEEESSSSSSS. Don’t worry – I’ve got it on video:

9:28 – Artie’s not focused so much on winning as surviving. I couldn’t be happier with that statement.
9:30 – Brianna burned half her dish. Don’t apologize for something that isn’t there – No one is judging you on how the food would have tasted.
9:35 – Apology, right off the bat.
9:36 – Maile: By saying she left off the bread crumbs, it made me miss (them) before I had a chance to even try the dish. See, Brianna!
9:39 – Pineapple Napoleon from Serena. Sounds awesome, but when anyone says they had to use a storebought anything, the judges know that shit immediately. Let’s find out.
9:39 – First words out of Bobby’s mouth.
9:40 – I don’t get how Serena’s dessert went before Brad’s main course. I like this, though – Brad coming through, Artie bombing. It’s starting to shake out like I’d hoped.
9:41 – Oh yeah, Brad – bringing out the Sinatra references. Nailed it.
9:48 – Susie: “We thought it was a little off the mark with reinterpreting pigs-in-a-blanket.

A little?

Come on, Susie! Oscar Mayer would be furious.
9:56 – What a call on Brad, yeah? How can you lose with quarter inch thick bacon?! He’s finally coming around. I wonder if they’d left Das on if he’d have figured it out by now? I don’t know – Brad’s chops are better in the kitchen. On the other hand, the three people they want to kick off are Brianna, Artie, and Herb. Herb is going to stay, they love him. Brianna had a pretty good showing this week with her dish, but unfortunately, they’ve been wanting to boot her for a while. Artie seems like she’s fallen pretty far, but they want to give her another week here to maybe figure out her self-esteem issues.
9:58 – Kinda figured that was coming. It was a pretty pathetic attempt in her in the first challenge as well, but it just goes to show you that they’re not strictly judging on the food. I’d still need to go to culinary school for a chance here.

You will be missed, Brianna. I hear Luda is hiring.