I was supposed to interview Serena at Brunch on Sunday. I’m still getting over a wicked sore throat/cold sweats/body ache assault that incapacitated me over the last four days for all but a single trip out to grab get-well supplies Sunday morning, so I apologize. Excerpts from the interview would have made it to this post if I’d been well enough to do it. We rescheduled for Wednesday.
6:00 AM Monday – This is when I do these recaps. I’m an early bird anyway, and the DVR offers me more time to get clever thoughts into pixels. Also, I can rewind and get video and stills from the show. I’m hoping Aria or Artie get kicked off this week. When is Artie’s self-confidence void going to gape wide enough so it’s impossible for Bob, Suzie, and Bobby not to throw her in? Could be this week – cross your fingers!
9:01 – Artie says she’s now confident and Tom says he’s waiting to be sent home. Praying that’s a classic misdirect.
9:02 – Melissa D’Arabian is on this week. She’s the soccer mom you want on your son’s team. You know you’ll never have to bring the oranges.
9:03 – Making Dinner with Breakfast – Everyone gets a cereal and needs to incorporate it into a dinner in 20 minutes. Most people get pretty regular staples, Serena gets Coco Crispies, Herb gets Froot Loops. Aria performs an awkward Duke Boys slide across the countertop, still gets to the ingredients table last. More cardio, honey.
9:05 – This is how I used to make omelettes:
Step 1. Heat pan with olive oil
Step 2. Toss in omelet interior ingredients (let’s just say sausage, peppers, and onions) and sautÃ©e
Step 2. Crack eggs in pan
Step 3. Pour a bit of milk in
Step 4. Scramble eggs in pan
Step 5. Add cheese
Step 6. Stir a bit more
Step 7. Serve.
You know how beautifully wrapped up an omelet is, and you can guess what my disaster used to look like. It tasted fine, but it just looked like hell.
So that’s what Aria’s dish looks like, and it’s on national television. There’s a reason that you don’t see “Hopple Popple” on any NYC menus.
9:07 – Oh God.
Serena … you just sang “O Sole Mio.”
At what point in your walk from the door to the presentation table did you decide you were going to sing Italian?
I present to you, This week’s Reactions of The Judges, starting with Tischman:
And the De Laurentiis Face could be the Foodie Equivalent to the Manning Face:
9:08 – Shit. Eight minutes in and I’ve been sitting here for 45. It’s a lot funnier than it was when I was doing it in an hour, but a lot more time consuming.
9:11 – Aria: “It’s in my best interest that Artie cracks.” Our first indication that some sabotage may be afoot!
9:11 – They’re really showing a lot of Serena this episode. That doesn’t usually bode well for a contestant.
9:12 – This week is sponsored by Kelloggs. No shit.
9:16 – This week’s challenge: The Underground Supper Club for SuperFoodies. – $35 food cost. Artie got into the spirit by dressing up as a Cabbage:
9:20 – They’re really setting Herb’s Flan up for the fall here. At this point in the show, you’ve gotta be feeling that Herb and Aria are going to be on the block today.
9:23 – Aria choked herself into the speaker’s chair, which is funny, because when Dzintra was floundering, she did this to Aria. That was the week she went home.
If this is her best effort at sabotage, she needs to start with some Spy vs. Spy comics.
9:34 – Serena’s dish looks pretty good – certainly the most appetizing looking before the first commercial break. Doesn’t sound like The Lamb or the Flan are going to pass muster, so it’s Serena and Artie at the top this week.
9:40 – Guess the lamb was good – the second best dish there, to Artie’s. The Flan obviously sucked.
9:55 – Artie gets to stay another week. Ugh.
9:57 – Herb: “If I go home for a Flan, my mother is going to slap me.” I think he said some Spanish insult after that, but the only one I know is “Maricon!”
9:57 – It’s pretty clear that they want to keep Herb, Tom, and Serena around, even though Tom was the worst this week. Looks like Aria is finally getting the boot.
9:58 – NOOO! I bet that killed Suzie to have to keep Aria; she hasn’t liked her for three weeks. Now it’s down to Tom and Serena, my two favorite people on the show … I can’t watch.
9:59 – FUCK! I was looking forward to staring at Serena for at least a few more weeks. I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that there are way more zippy-for-personality overweight single moms watching this show than there are thin, attractive, Italian expat NYC lawyers.
Not only that, I could have had the exclusive Serena interview on my site today, but I was sick. I need better health insurance. Damn.
Artie was surpised when she heard Serena was going home, practically dumbfounded. How did Aria not go home this week? Oh well.
Look for that interview up later this week. Crap!
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