Live Blogging The Next Food Network Star – Season Premier

I hope you’ll appreciate my snark:

8:59 – Since when does Joan Cusack judge Food Network Shows?
9:00 – Who will it be, Bobby? Oh Brianna, thank you for that sexy wink.
9:02 – I still like Herb. I don’t know if you’re going to be doing that food and fitness show anytime soon. The Fine Living Channel just switched programming to The Cooking Channel.
9:04 – Serena has no culinary education. I am looking forward to staring at her for the next three episodes.
9:07 – Holy shit, that kitchen is dope. Great food blogger kitchen. Suzy, Bob, and Bobby are all super chill. I don’t know if there are any powerhouse brands here.
9:09 – Giada, is there a teleprompter in here?
9:10 – Just started to hate Herb. Stop dancing bro.
9:11 – Doreen is confused. Das is done. Tom doesn’t know how to boil water. Aria is talking shit to Herb. No one knows how long they need to cook chicken.
9:12 – Shit, Aarti just said that she’s afraid she’s going home this episode. That means she’s staying. For some reason, I don’t dislike her as much as Herb.
9:18 – And we’re back. No one is going to sent home for their crappy dishes, and no one has to eat anything? Oh, ok, so they do eat it.
9:19 – Doreen is going to be loving butter on her couch watching this show.
9:20 – Tom smoked in the taxi on the way over. This is an unfair challenge for him.
9:21 – Dzintra knows her stuff.
9:22 – Shit. Aarti looks great in front of the camera. I’m going to slow down here and do funnier comments not as often.
9:26 – So that challenge didn’t mean anything? So they do the in studio shots the first day? My predictions are thrown way out of wack here. Sorry to my readers, this isn’t funny at all. I’ll step it up in the funny dept and ramp down the number of updates.
9:31 – Hold on. Why does Bravo get to advertise for Top Chef on the Food Network?
9:36 – Doreen isn’t sure what she wants to say for a second time. I can’t decide again. I ‘m going to improvise! I don’t know if the promo is showing truly who I am … Who am I? I love butter?
9:37 – Paul just said “Anyhoos.”
9:39 – Alexis is claiming this as a personal victory if he doesn’t cry. What is this? A league of their own?
9:44 – Das, are you half-Italian?
9:51 – Herb needs an ESL teacher. Was he reading that sentence off the teleprompter or was he ad libbing or just plain screwing up? By the way, anytime they insinuate something on this show, it doesn’t happen.
9:52 – Herb’s team is dead. Doreen and Alexis? Ticking time bomb.
9:54 – Can Dzintra do Dzsert in an hour? She said yes, so that means no. Now they’re setting up her ego, now she’s got “Some eye problem.” Now she’s going to the ER.
10:00 – I don’t even know what a Sabayon is.
10:05 – Bobby is trashing dessert chefs. Comment Johnny?
10:06 – Wolfgang Puck comes in … Is Alexis presenting?
10:10 – Paul said anyhoos again.
10:13 – When I saw this plate, I knew it was Aarti. Really, Bob? Curried lentil soup and you guessed that it was the Indian girl? Gold fucking star for you, bro!
10:19 – Wolfgang Puck is funnier than I’d expected. Tom is definitely likeable, but do you want to watch his show? I’m not so sure anymore. I’m now thinking about this show from the viewpoint of the producers. What clips do we show? How do we make this person the guy we don’t want to see kicked off? How do we make this guy the one they love to hate. How do we give the guy that gets kicked off the quickest enough time so we don’t tip the audience off? Are we going to rip their hearts out in episode ten by making them love this person? Of course we are! Let’s do it!
10:28 – My internet is down. So in live blogging, you’re supposed to be able to update the post as you go. I apologize; I don’t have the food network at my place.
10:30 – Alexis is terrified. Wow, who would I kick off? Alexis or Doreen? He actually cried … At least Paul is going to keep the Gay Pride strong for a couple more shows. Any gay guys want to comment on this? You’ve gotta be ashamed of this guy.
10:31 – “She didn’t make the dish, I’d say that disqualifies her.” See you next week, Dzintra!
10:33 – Cymbalta sounds like death. Why would anyone take this? The entire commercial explains how dangerous it is.
10:34 – They basically told us that Doreen “isn’t worth keeping.”
10:41 – Internet still down, basically immobilized over here. How can Doreen not be going home right away? I guessed that she would be gone #2, but I guess it was just because I hated Aarti’s other YouTube videos.
10:44 – Anyone know the score of the Celtics Game? I heard Ray Ray has like 25 three pointers.
10:46 – Bob: We need more pushups from you, Herb.
10:47 – Brad: “I’m cool with this feedback. Doreen is having an identity crisis and Alexis is crying. I think I’m going to be ok for a while.”
10:54 – Internet back on, C’s in control of game two, Doreen cruising for an early exit. Life is good.
10:57 – And it’s Alexis gone first! Can’t say I’m dissatisfied. Going to make sure I’m funnier next week.