Dear Patrick,

Long time reader, first time e-mailer . . . Love the site, really; it’s great. I was just writing in because I wanted to know if you could help me out with a problem that I have. I have nipple hair. Just nipple hair, no chest hair. Picture this, if my nipples were eyeballs, they’d be fully surrounded by a bushy, black eyebrow. My girlfriend doesn’t seem to mind, but I don’t know. Something just doesn’t feel right! HELP!

Signed,

DMAN

Dear DMAN,

There are a couple things you could do in this situation.

#1: Acceptance – You could start with some counseling on your situation and grow to understand that nipple hair is just a part of who the true “DMAN” really is. Be content with your nipple hair and learn to love it! You’re one of God’s unique creatures and you should be proud of who you are! After you’re through counseling, you could get some soul food from Oprah’s book club to keep your spirits high and maybe buy a “Happy to be me” Barbie doll to keep you company through those rough spots we all have some times!

#2: Removal – There are only two ways to think of this: “It’s just nipple hair,” and “For Christ’s sake, man! Those are huge unsightly tufts of thick black nipple hair!” A girl trying to get through there would be more likely to shout “Doctor Livingston, I presume” than give it a lick. And it’s not like this is going to take a gargantuan effort on your part, either. You won’t have to walk to Subway every day for two years; it’s as simple as a foray into CVS’ hair removal product section. Here are a couple ideas: Mach 3, scissors, trimmers, weedwhackers, Nair, Epil-Stop, Igia, Electrolysis, or any combination of those remedies. Just get it off, man. Do what you gotta do to get rid of it!

Whichever alternative you choose, you are guaranteed to lead a happier, more fulfilled life and will be well on your way to self-actualization, enlightenment and total consciousness. So you’ll have that goin’ for you . . . which is nice.

Til next time, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

-Patrick@thedtrain.com