Live Blogging The Next Food Network Star – Week 5

8:59 – I’m sorry I missed the last episode. I doubt many of you are too sorry. This week, I DVRed it and am watching it after the fact. This allows for more screen caps of the Future Food Network Star in action. I just learned Melissa D’Arabian had her show picked up for a second season. Congratulations!

Yes, those are sincere congratulations. The rest of the snark you’re going to hear is also sincere.

9:01 – This week, we start with a Herb Mesa training montage – pull-ups, jumping rope, him punching a concrete wall. Just regular stuff you’d do before cooking some shit.
9:03 – The challenge is to design a brand. What does the contestant win if they win the challenge? Who knows? Did Scripps just figure out that we really didn’t care if they were playing for $10,000 or a national product roll-out at Dean & DeLuca and understand that the challengers were going to try their hardest anyway to win this BS? Budget cuts are everywhere.
9:04 – Artie is making some kind of Indian spice mixture and asks the rhetorical question “Wouldn’t it be great if you didn’t have to make this Indian spice mixture every time you wanted to use it?” Yes Artie, it would be fantastic, that’s why the grocery store carries this shit in twelve varieties already. You’re not revolutionizing my shopping experience here.
9:06 – Aria does a crappy Jewish grandmother impression. Needs more Aachm (couldn’t find a link to The Critic clearing his throat.
9:07 – Why is Giada telling Herb that he really has to “project his energy” to the audience. He’s the most energetic here, he calls himself the energy chef … I think they’re fucking with him. You think that he isn’t going to go over the top here with projection? He’ll be shooting a wad onto the back row.
9:09 – Paula Deen is here. You know what that means – each contestant is going to gain three pounds (well, except for Herb)
9:16 – Who’s going to fuck the demo up the worst? Serena is a prime candidate. After doing the Sears Chef Challenge, I understand it ain’t so easy to do with one take.
9:20 – How come the contestants are visibly pissed when they don’t make it under the three minute time limit? Power through and finish your thought, wrap up in five seconds, don’t cry when you don’t exactly nail it.
9:26 – Chunky Chutney.
9:28 – Just paused the DVR. Tom just prepared a chicken liver and brussel sprout dish with a citrus marmalade. It just sounds nasty. The judges are raving about his performance, and can’t wait to taste the food because he made it sound so good. My guess – marmalade is halfway decent but the marmalade on the brussel sprouts and chicken livers is the worst thing the judges have ever tasted in their lives.
9:29 – I was wrong – they didn’t even talk about the dish because the marmalade was so bad.
9:31 – Why are Serena and Brianna standing next to each other if they hate each other so much?
9:32 – Giada: Artie, you bombed it, but the rest of the people were so disjointed and awkward that the audience had no choice but to award second place to you.
9:39 – They have 24 hours for this challenge and they run 20 yards to the lunch truck? Give me a fucking break.
9:40 – What is Superfly?

OK Serena – time for your lesson in a great american film genre: Blaxploitation. Fortunately or unfortunately, the songs of Superfly live on stronger than any of the films. Superfly was a movie about a coke dealer in the 70’s. The only thing you really need to know is that the game you play, you play for keeps.
9:39 – Paul: Sandwiches happen to be my favorite meal. Remember on The Office when Holly thought Kevin was retarded? That’s what this sentence reminded me of.
9:40 – Paul and Herb’s Wraps. Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?
9:42 – Hey Serena, say it with me. Wiss ter sheer. Oh, and if you’re back to doing lawyer stuff in NYC, I just moved into a fifth-floor walk-up on Delancey. Come over for a language exchange anytime.
9:49 – The food truck is just a shade smaller than a tractor trailer and Serena was expecting something more substantial. Is this the episode where she goes home?
9:50 – The only people with an actual concept here are Tom and Artie. Paul and Herb are on meth.
10:00 – These guys need their own show.

10:01 – Scat and rap aren’t the same thing, Herb. I still like the guy, but how can you give a guy this lame his own show?
10:04 – Salad from a truck. Dumb.
10:06 – Suzy: “Aria is a happy nice person that isn’t very exciting.” See? I called it.
10:08 – Paula Deen doesn’t like heat. Put some crisco on it, Paula – it’ll be much better.
10:20 – Paul or Brad is going home this week. (Posted way before they narrowed it down to Paul and Brad, by the way)
10:26 – Yeah, nothing much to say about that one. The judges were right; Paul was an actor who couldn’t figure out his motivation.