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Domino’s Pizza
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Domino’s Pizza

dominos pizzaYes, you’re reading that correctly. I actually went to Domino’s Pizza. The national chain. The one where employees filmed themselves sticking mozzarella up their nose and farting on salami. Yes, that one. They have this ad campaign, and the slogan is “Oh, yes we did.”

Domino’s, I’m here to say, “Oh no you di’int!”

I went there because Domino’s claimed to have a new, revamped pizza. They say it won taste tests over Papa John’s and Pizza Hut (not that that’s saying a whole lot). After I ordered the pizza, I took some pictures of the place (empty, obv) and sat down at one of the tables inside and watched people pass by. I started to feel uneasy at the stares I was getting. What were they thinking of me? Who is that guy ordering Domino’s pizza? What is he doing? Doesn’t he know this is Manhattan? The best pizza in the world is within walking distance of this place! I literally felt ashamed.

dominos pizza

I felt ashamed and guilty. Guilty of being seen at a chain restaurant other than for some free wifi or a bathroom. In my heart, I knew I was there to try the new pizza. To see what the hype machine is telling America. To figure out if this is really any better than the last pizza if it was good at all. I was doing it in the name of research, à la Sifton and the Double Down; an I eat this stuff so you don’t have to kinda thing, but the stares were too much. There was judgment in them. Although the orders kept flying out the window, no one else actually showed their face in the restaurant to order the pizza as if this was something dirty.

Our porn appears on your doorstep in an brown box listed with only with the company initials “DVDA LLC” and your credit card charge will discreetly appear as “Taintertainment”

dominos pizza

It was bad. The whole scenario, and the pizza. Now, of course, if you’re going to ask me do do a side by side comparison with all national chains, then it might actually be decent, but for New York City, it is replete with terrible. The sauce was not awful, but a bit sweet, and didn’t really have any kick like the box says. The dough was baked on the bottom but not underneath the cheese, it was too doughy, you could barely taste the pepperonis they were so thin and sparsely placed. The one thing I liked was the garlic-dusted crust, but it reminded me of Papa John’s and their garlic butter, so I decided that PJ’s offering (with the butter) would have been more satisfying.

dominos pizza

Here’s their marketing blurb in its entirety:

Domino’s New Pizza. 50 Years in the Making. Our hand-tossed pizza is new.

OK, it’s new. I get it.

It’s not a slightly altered version of the old pizza. It’s not the same old product in a fancy new wrapper.

Nope, same old wrapper.

It’s a completely new pizza from the crust up.

If you tell me it’s new one more time, motherfucker, I’m gonna fart on your salami (actually, that doesn’t sound right …)

And we’re pretty doggone proud of it. Because while it doesn’t take long for you to get one, it’s taken us 50 years to create a pizza of this perfectitude.

Really? I mean, haven’t you been, like, ANYWHERE in Brooklyn? Really. Just pick a place. Is that what you’ve been doing for 50 Years? Really? And you conveniently unveiled the pizza just after the worst PR Fiasco a Pizza chain has ever seen? I mean, really, Domino’s? 50 Years?

Fifty years worth of listening to feedback, tasting cheeses, crafting sauces and trying every possible combination of combinations we can think of.

Really Domino’s – What were the first forty-nine and a half years spent doing? Jerking-off, taking vacations, and making Noid commercials?

By the way, bring back the noid. Everyone loved that guy.

So what’s new about it? For starters, everything: our cheese made with 100% real mozzarella

Holy shit, that’s goddamn revolutionary. REAL mozzarella? Where the fuck did you get that idea?

and flavored with just a hint of provolone. Our sauce with a dose of spicy red pepper to put a spring in your step. And our garlic-seasoned crust with a rich, buttery taste.

Garlic and pepper to spice it up? Is this pizza FROM THE FUTURE?! For the record, Papa Johns pizza sucks, but I like the fact that they give you garlic butter and hot peppers. Sometimes, they give you lots of peppers.

Now you may be wondering, is this really different?

Not me, man. You’ve beat it into my skull that this pizza is new. I get it. I told you that you didn’t have to tell me any more and you told me, like, three more times. And your salami smells like sulfur.

Will it be as good as they say? Is ‘perfectitude’ really a word? Well, there’s only one way to find out.

Yes, by going to Grimaldi’s

Take a bite.

If you dare.

Then if someone asks if we really abandoned our old recipe and completely revamped our pizza, you can tell ’em…

I got the new pizza at Domino’s and all I got was a bad case of the cramps and dry mouth.

oh yes we did.

Obligatory upskirt pic. Lame.

dominos pizza

There was one positive thing to come out of this whole ordeal. When I went to get on the train, there was an old Chinese man with the kindest, most gentle eyes in the subway playing some music for change. I didn’t have any change, but I had half a pizza. I asked if he wanted a slice and he said yes. He took two slices and was pretty happy with the sustenance, and I was happy to get rid of the pizza. In my personal taste testing, the one thing I learned about this whole endeavor is that street performers prefer Domino’s Pizza to starvation 100% of the time.

Domino’s Pizza
They’re Everywhere
Anyplace, USA
(734) 930-3030

{ 12 comments… add one }
  • Sole May 19, 2010, 1:42 pm

    Hagan! I am literally in tears! This is so funny.

    I admit, I’ve had Dominos. Late night alcohol induced munchies. Hey, don’t judge me, it’s the only place that delivers on Long Island at 2 am!

  • Kate May 19, 2010, 5:18 pm

    Hahahaha. This was an excellent blog post and as someone who also loves NYC food, I appreciate your snarky commentary on an corporation like Dominos which caters to the masses with sub-par food made cheaply and fast.

    • Hagan May 19, 2010, 5:30 pm

      There’s a lot of ’em that do that. I guess this is unfair – it’s a Yugo and a BMW – the comparison just isn’t there.

  • sts June 1, 2010, 12:04 pm

    Great info, thanks for useful article. I’m waiting for more

    [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.

  • Weathers June 3, 2010, 1:17 am

    Yeah, it’s good, very useful, thanks :)

    [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.

  • Dirt Ass June 11, 2010, 2:43 pm

    The “new” Domino’s is better than the old, but as someone who relocated to a southern location found out, some mom and pop pizzeria’s make old Domies seem like Brooklyn’s finest. Now saying that, I will say that it is still Domino’s afterall.

    • Hagan June 11, 2010, 5:43 pm

      I know the feeling. Even Baltimore Pizza pretty much sucks everywhere

  • jake July 16, 2010, 10:39 pm

    From a guy that ate 2 slices a day for $2 every day during college, if you end up a work event or party where they are ordering, you may save yourself from starvation if you can convince them to toss on the buffalo sauce. It’s not as good as chipotle tabasco on your favorite slice, but it’ll make your time to your next meal a bit easier.

  • FB March 7, 2011, 10:48 am

    Wow this person has nothing better to do than make fun of a clean store that employs 10 people trying to make a living.

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