You know what I just love? The signs on the road that say “Watch for Low-Flying Aircraft” and “Watch for Falling Rocks.” I love those. I’ve got a question; unless I took my driver’s ed courses in the Temple of Doom, how am I supposed to adjust my driving for these ‘falling rocks?’ And how do you dodge low-flying aircraft? I mean, if that sucker is goin’ down, it’s goin down and there isn’t much that you’re going to be able to do about it. Are we in agreement on this or what?

Now that we got that out of the way, how am I supposed to modify my lifestyle for the changes in the “Terror Alert” level? Is there anything I can do when the terror alert rises from Yellow to Orange? Orange to Dark Orange? Anyone? It seems the only thing the heightened terror alert heightens is the level of fear in our more insecure American compatriots.

I remember Wargames with Matthew Broderick where he was playing “Global Thermonuclear War” with that computer and they raised the alert level to, like, DEFCON 2 when he initiated launch sequences for missles in Russia. So what’s the equivalent of DEFCON 2 these days? You tell me when we’re at DEFCON 2 and I’ll start practicing my terror prevention skillz.

And at this moment, my Star Search has been interrupted by breaking news in Iraq. Duck and cover!