One thing I was excited about on my trip back to America was that I would be able to hear other people’s conversations and understand what they were talking about. This novelty quickly grew old when I arrived at Newark International Airport and sat down near a woman with a thick Longuyland accent. Here are some excerpts from the conversation that she was having with a relative on her cell phone:

You’ll neva guess what hapened to me today, OK . . . Yeah, I’m at the airport. In the place where you wait . . . Anyway, so we’re going through security, OK, and they TOOK MY SHOOS . . . Yeah, they took my shoos off . . . I was barefoot . . . It was because of security . . . No, no one else . . . Yeah, and they made me put my arms out like this (puts one arm out while holding the cell phone to her ear) and they frisked me . . . Yeah, they patted me down. They almost touched my ANUS (sic) . . . It was a she . . . And they made me take off my shoos. They left me there barefoot . . . Into some other room . . . I don’t know what they were doing with them . . . They took my shoos into another room . . . The new ones, you know? The ones I just bought . . . The ones with the buckle . . . Tell daddy they took my shoos . . . The new ones with the buckle. They took the shoos into another room . . . I don’t know . . . No one else, just me . . . No, she didn’t have to take her shoos off, just me . . . yeah, I was the only one.

The woman sounded like Rain Man. “Yeah, they took my shoos, yeah. Took my shoos. K-Mart Sucks.” Some people should not be allowed to have cell phones.