Domino’s Pizza

Yes, you’re reading that correctly. I actually went to Domino’s Pizza. The national chain. The one where employees filmed themselves sticking mozzarella up their nose and farting on salami. Yes, that one. They have this ad campaign, and the slogan is “Oh, yes we did.”

Domino’s, I’m here to say, “Oh no you di’int!”

I went there because Domino’s claimed to have a new, revamped pizza. They say it won taste tests over Papa John’s and Pizza Hut (not that that’s saying a whole lot). After I ordered the pizza, I took some pictures of the place (empty, obv) and sat down at one of the tables inside and watched people pass by. I started to feel uneasy at the stares I was getting. What were they thinking of me? Who is that guy ordering Domino’s pizza? What is he doing? Doesn’t he know this is Manhattan? The best pizza in the world is within walking distance of this place! I literally felt ashamed.

I felt ashamed and guilty. Guilty of being seen at a chain restaurant other than for some free wifi or a bathroom. In my heart, I knew I was there to try the new pizza. To see what the hype machine is telling America. To figure out if this is really any better than the last pizza if it was good at all. I was doing it in the name of research, à la Sifton and the Double Down; an I eat this stuff so you don’t have to kinda thing, but the stares were too much. There was judgment in them. Although the orders kept flying out the window, no one else actually showed their face in the restaurant to order the pizza as if this was something dirty.

Our porn appears on your doorstep in an brown box listed with only with the company initials “DVDA LLC” and your credit card charge will discreetly appear as “Taintertainment”

It was bad. The whole scenario, and the pizza. Now, of course, if you’re going to ask me do do a side by side comparison with all national chains, then it might actually be decent, but for New York City, it is replete with terrible. The sauce was not awful, but a bit sweet, and didn’t really have any kick like the box says. The dough was baked on the bottom but not underneath the cheese, it was too doughy, you could barely taste the pepperonis they were so thin and sparsely placed. The one thing I liked was the garlic-dusted crust, but it reminded me of Papa John’s and their garlic butter, so I decided that PJ’s offering (with the butter) would have been more satisfying.

Here’s their marketing blurb in its entirety:

Domino’s New Pizza. 50 Years in the Making. Our hand-tossed pizza is new.

OK, it’s new. I get it.

It’s not a slightly altered version of the old pizza. It’s not the same old product in a fancy new wrapper.

Nope, same old wrapper.

It’s a completely new pizza from the crust up.

If you tell me it’s new one more time, motherfucker, I’m gonna fart on your salami (actually, that doesn’t sound right …)

And we’re pretty doggone proud of it. Because while it doesn’t take long for you to get one, it’s taken us 50 years to create a pizza of this perfectitude.

Really? I mean, haven’t you been, like, ANYWHERE in Brooklyn? Really. Just pick a place. Is that what you’ve been doing for 50 Years? Really? And you conveniently unveiled the pizza just after the worst PR Fiasco a Pizza chain has ever seen? I mean, really, Domino’s? 50 Years?

Fifty years worth of listening to feedback, tasting cheeses, crafting sauces and trying every possible combination of combinations we can think of.

Really Domino’s – What were the first forty-nine and a half years spent doing? Jerking-off, taking vacations, and making Noid commercials?

By the way, bring back the noid. Everyone loved that guy.

So what’s new about it? For starters, everything: our cheese made with 100% real mozzarella

Holy shit, that’s goddamn revolutionary. REAL mozzarella? Where the fuck did you get that idea?

and flavored with just a hint of provolone. Our sauce with a dose of spicy red pepper to put a spring in your step. And our garlic-seasoned crust with a rich, buttery taste.

Garlic and pepper to spice it up? Is this pizza FROM THE FUTURE?! For the record, Papa Johns pizza sucks, but I like the fact that they give you garlic butter and hot peppers. Sometimes, they give you lots of peppers.

Now you may be wondering, is this really different?

Not me, man. You’ve beat it into my skull that this pizza is new. I get it. I told you that you didn’t have to tell me any more and you told me, like, three more times. And your salami smells like sulfur.

Will it be as good as they say? Is ‘perfectitude’ really a word? Well, there’s only one way to find out.

Yes, by going to Grimaldi’s

Take a bite.

If you dare.

Then if someone asks if we really abandoned our old recipe and completely revamped our pizza, you can tell ’em…

I got the new pizza at Domino’s and all I got was a bad case of the cramps and dry mouth.

oh yes we did.

Obligatory upskirt pic. Lame.

There was one positive thing to come out of this whole ordeal. When I went to get on the train, there was an old Chinese man with the kindest, most gentle eyes in the subway playing some music for change. I didn’t have any change, but I had half a pizza. I asked if he wanted a slice and he said yes. He took two slices and was pretty happy with the sustenance, and I was happy to get rid of the pizza. In my personal taste testing, the one thing I learned about this whole endeavor is that street performers prefer Domino’s Pizza to starvation 100% of the time.

Domino’s Pizza
They’re Everywhere
Anyplace, USA
(734) 930-3030