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Today I had an EKG. That stands for Electro CardioGram. I asked the doctor why we called it an EKG instead of an ECG, as would be logical. She didn’t know why, but she knew how to use it . . . supposedly. See below:

The first words out of her mouth were, “Huh . . . That’s weird.” “Huh . . . That’s weird” is Doctorspeak for “What the fuck?”

When you hook a machine up to your heart, and in the ensuing readout, the graph of your rhythms shows a bunch of normal looking readings and then some wacked out readings that are literally off the charts (as pictured inside the red circles), and the doctor’s immediate reaction is “huh that’s weird,” you can’t feel all too pleased about how the old ticker is working. When she says “It’s only the machine,” and tries it again, and the readout looks the same, you start to worry. When she says “Maybe the connections are bad,” changes the connection, tries it again, and the readout looks the same, you get scared. When she says “I know! Someone was playing with the voltage,” and adjusts the voltage to the appropriate levels, tries it again, and the readout looks the same, you buy one of these. After not figuring out why the readings look like they do, she tells me that this is “Normal,” and I shouldn’t worry. OK, Miss Doctor. I’ll just sit over here with my readout that looks more like it was taken on the San Andreas fault and chill out.

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