These things fall into the category of “Things my mom wouldn’t buy me when I was growing up.” Not that this was a bad thing – I still got Little Debbie Oatmeal Pies even those had shortening inside them. It was weird what my mom picked not to get us, but I am sure I’ll use the same arbitrary system of telling my kids they can’t have artificial crap they see advertised through whatever medium they’re viewing their ads. Mine will make more sense, I’m sure.
I got these at Bass Pro Shops; they were in the checkout aisle/impulse buy area. I wanted to broaden my scope here at Wandering Foodie as far as food reviews go, so I decided to grab every one of them. Turns out there’s also Lemon, Blueberry, Peanut Butter, Green Tea … I understand them all but the last one.
Going through my memory files, I remembered the Moon Pie phenomenon as Southern in nature, and a bit of research proved this correct. They sure are crazy about their Moon Pies down South. In reading the wikipedia article, I found out that there’s a Moon Pie Eating Contest in Alabama.
There are many reasons why this is a bad idea. Let’s start with the Moon Pie nutritional data. I guess it could be worse. There could be trans fat in the Moon Pie! There is nothing healthy to say about this thing except for the absence of trans fat. Of course, it also doesn’t contain used hypodermic needles, but for some reason, that’s not what it says.
The other reason it’s a bad idea is because these things are basically sugar coated saltines. They call it a graham cracker, but it’s more like graham paper. I bit into the vanilla one:
I could barely swallow, it was so dry. There was a thick chunk of Moon Pie stuck to the roof of my mouth that I had to reach in to remove after unsuccessfully tonguing the mass of concrete for a almost thirty seconds. Make it stop! For a second, I didn’t understand how anyone could eat these things. Too dry!
But wait! What is this type in red on the back …
Surely this will change things. As I was taking pictures of the Moon Pies on the plate, the strawberry pie rested on the Silestone countertop, I dropped the exposure a bit and managed to get a shot of the Moon Pie in it’s natural habitat:
Then I plated the little guy and punched fifteen seconds into the microwave:
It got pretty messy. I took a bite before it started crumbling in my hand and decided fifteen seconds was way too long.
I gotta say, microwaved, these things are so much better. It was like night and day. Unmicrowaved, I chose to throw away the rest of the Moon Pie after I had a bite. The dryness was too much. Nuked, it got moist, the marshmallow melted a bit, no graham paper got stuck to the roof of my mouth … It was a completely different confection.
I tried the banana Moon Pie next. Not good, but I’m not a fan of artificial banana anything, so it could be fantastic for those who are down. I’m not judging. Then I went for the chocolate:
And anyone who grew up in the 80s knows what it reminded me of:
Sudddenly S’Mores! The commercial starts with the oft ridiculed problem statement:
Boy: Gee! S’mores are hard to make.
(burning marshmallow oozes off stick into the campfire)
Girl: Not AGAIN!?!
Luckily, we’ve solved this problem for you and your life will never be the same again!
It’s not that s’mores are hard to make, they’re just inconvenient. No one thinks about s’mores for dessert anyway – you usually have them around a campfire (and now, at Cosi). Even making them in the microwave is a chore – the chocolate and marshmallow melt at different speeds in the microwave, so you wouldn’t get a consistent product if you threw everything in at once. My mom said that Nabisco missed the boat when they didn’t buy the rights to the Little Shop of Horrors song “Suddenly Seymour.” I felt like the name was inspired by the movie and Nabisco dodged the bullet by getting away with it. I don’t know how many years these things were around, and I’m not entirely sure why my mom bought them for us, but I do remember having a few of these growing up and I fuckin’ loved ‘em.
The chocolate Moon Pie came pretty close to the memory. I can wholeheartedly recommend it as a satisfying substitute for Suddenly S’mores. The Banana? Skip it. The orange, I mean, what do you want me to tell you? If you think you’d like an orangey, marshmallowy, graham papery confection for a snack or dessert, go for it.
Just make sure you microwave it.