Last night I dreamt that I was so profoundly in love that my girlfriend and I got married immediately. I woke up from a night’s sleep (this is still in my dream, mind you) and thought “Oh my GOD! MARRIED? What have I done!? Now I owe Jake that twelve pack I bet him on who’d be first!”

I bolted upright in my bed and thought to myself, “I can’t say that this is the first time I’ve woke up satisfied to find the other half of my bed empty.”

To this point I’ve been a classic serial monogamist. It’s not that I’m commitment phobic, I just get bored easily.