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Live Blogging The Next Food Network Star – Week 9

I don’t know if I can watch this show anymore. Some website is calling this the “Season-long Artie coronation,” except they spell her name weird. I’m not psyched about that possibility.

I’ve got the camera rocking this week … Let’s get right into it.

9:01 – Arrival in NYC and they get a Dirty Water Dog. What the fuck. Unless this episode was sponsored by Sabrett, they’re all idiots now.

Wait, what’s this? Artie is the only one left out of the hot dog cheers? Did she shun the dog in favor of other fare or did you refuse to cheers your hot dog because that’s Icky? If it’s the former, respect. If it’s the latter, you’re still in the negative with me. The world will never know.

9:02 РTime to break out the clich̩s:

Artie: What could be big enough for the final four? Artie, it’s a fucking Food Network show. Didn’t you already work for CNN? Let’s not make this into something it isn’t.

9:03 – It takes them over a millisecond to figure out that they’re in the Iron Chef kitchen. In fact, it looks like it takes them a good 30 seconds to grasp this. What’s the producer’s slip them? Maybe they took the “Empire State of Mind” literally.

9:03 – Alton: You are going to have to walk through the Fiery Furnace that is Iron Chef America! Can we dial down the “You guys are just under so much pressure, here” BS right now? I’m not buying it.

I used to be pretty jumpy about little things, then I went on a buddhist retreat and it put those little things in their proper perspective. One thing I wrote on my NFNS application, when asked what a tough life I had was “A lot of people would look at my life and say I haven’t had any hardships.” That’s the wrong answer for reality TV – the producers want nerves. Look at the final four here – They look like “Who’s Line is it Anyway” compared to D’Arabian’s spot-on Iceman rendition last year.

9:05 – WHAT A TWEEST! They brought back the last four contestants kicked off the show to be sous chefs! Another week of Serena and Brad; awesome. Tom picks Brianna as his sous? Why doesn’t he pick Brad? Weren’t they totally bromancing when he got kicked off? I don’t know, man …

9:06 – So what happens when you get kicked off of these shows? You can’t just get sent home … Are you placed in some sort of solitary confinement for the remainder of the filming? If that’s the case, it might be the worst thing about being kicked off the show.

9:06 – Take it away, Alton:

Excited about that shrimp, are ya?

9:07 – Herb: I can work with shrimp … Thank you for playing, Herb, we have some lovely parting gifts for you backstage, don’t let the swingin’ door hit you on the ass on the way out. I’ll cover all bets on Herb not going home this week. He’s done. Bobby indicated that the judges were going to be “Expecting the unexpected.” Let’s see what Herb’s idea is:

WHOA, HERB – calm down! Don’t get too crazy on us, Man! I don’t know if my palate is going to be able to handle that misdirection!

9:15 – Ready for the Aria waddle?

I don’t think anyone is.

9:20 – OK, so Herb didn’t totally bomb, sounds like he’s in … Maybe Aria is going home … Or could it be the Paarti bus heading back to the depot?

9:21 – Eh. She nailed it. Oh well. Artie isn’t going home this week, and the big tagline this week was from Bob: This is the worst dish I’ve tasted in NFNS History. Hasn’t been uttered yet.

Please let it be Aria’s. Please.

9:27 – Bacon Battle. Tom is smirking – you know this guy loves bacon. Does he love it as much as Aria? Tough to tell from a quick glance.

9:29 – Tom: Bacon (crab) Cakes, Bacon Steak. If anything this week sounds like it will garner the “worst dish” award, it’s one of these. Looks goddamned abhorrible already.

I can’t bear to watch.

9:31 – Holy Fuck, Tom. What the hell are you doing? I thought those last two decisions couldn’t get any worse … I don’t know if you’d believe it if I told you what his last dish is.

Bobby: Sauce on the side, please? Priceless.

Artie is incredulous. Does everything short of asking Alton to sit down before she reads these ingredients to him. Tom brought a gun with one bullet to this episode.

9:38 – Aria’s “Family Style” French toast.

Why don’t you just tell them flat out that you have no fucking clue how to plate? Less work for you and less painful for all of us.

9:40 – While you’re at it, Aria, you can tell them you don’t understand the premise of Iron Chef or the phrase “incorporating the ingredient into the dish.” Boring, uninspired.

9:42 – They’re being so pleasant with Tom’s Bacon Steak, but it’s flat out inedible? I’m afraid for the Chorizo Bacon Stuffed Mascarpone French Toast Clamdango. It’s going to be TERRIBLE! Come on, man. You’re fuckin’ with me, right? Tell me you switched it up at the last second?

9:43 – It doesn’t LOOK that bad …

But it was awful, obviously. I still love you, Tom. Don’t think this really bodes well for your chances this week, but I still love you.

9:44 – There’s two parts to the challenge: The reporting and the cooking. Are they completely ignoring the reporting part? OK, they’re not.

9:50 – And the winner of the worst dish in the history of the food network star: The Bacon Steak! Congrats, Tom!

9:56 – Tom: I thought I was donezo.

That’s an understatement. The worst dish ever and Tom stays … wow.

9:58 – Come on, Brad should still be here and Herb should be getting sent home this week. You kicked Aria off one week too late. Nice work finally getting her off the show, though. She wasn’t fun to watch.

{ 8 comments… add one }
  • Bex August 9, 2010, 11:49 am

    I can’t tell if you’re being serious about Aarti’s name or not, but you’ve been spelling it wrong since day one.

    Regardless, I love your recaps. I agree with Aria needing to have been kicked off last week, and Herb should have gone home a long time ago. I think they’re just trying to cow-tow to a certain demographic of desperate housewives with Herb, being that he’s latin and somewhat decent looking. I’m team Tom all the way.

    • Hagan August 9, 2010, 11:57 am

      I refuse to spell it correctly – it’s better for SEO anyway.

  • USED August 9, 2010, 12:26 pm

    Hagan,
    You sir are a Douche Waffel. Aarti and her Parti are the Shizznizzzel. However other than your inability to see that Aarti is kickass I also must agree on your other points! Brad should still be there, Aria should have been kicked in the 3rd show, just for having a name to close to Aarti’s because brain dead fools such as my self keep getting them confused. Herb is a fat kid stuck in a pool boys body> I like Tom, however when i see him I just think there has got to be some hair in my soup! Do they make extra large hair nets? Does he even wash his hands? I just picture him yawning and scraching his junk then using said hand to run though that brillo pad on his head and procede to mix raw ground meat with spices.

    PS I cant spell, so dont bother informing me of this “disability” I am well aware of it

    • Hagan August 11, 2010, 6:00 pm

      Yes! I’ve never been called a douche waffel (sic – I promise, that’s the only time I’ll make fun of you) before! Add that to my list of names I’ve been called.

      Tom is my homeboy – don’t you dis my man Tom! I don’t know if the food network is going to have the budget for the cadre of psychologists that will need to follow Artie around telling her she’s good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like her Indian fusion. That might come into play when Bob and Susie are voting.

  • Stuart Reb Donald August 9, 2010, 3:33 pm

    Hagen,
    I am so impressed with how you are able to live blog NFNS. It’s all I can do to keep up with the live Tweeting and working on my own post game blog post. Great job all season!

    • Hagan August 9, 2010, 3:34 pm

      It’s like a post-live blog – I watch it the next morning at 6:00 AM and take the videos/pics.

  • Rob August 11, 2010, 5:51 pm

    I’m starting to get that this is a season long arty coronation. Great, she can cook under her own ethnic glass ceiling, so what? She seems to fold if she has to cook something that can’t accept some kinda tandori glaze.

    Bring back Brad and Tom for the final, kick everyone else the hell out of here.

    • Hagan August 11, 2010, 5:53 pm

      Tom’s still in, Bro! Don’t lose faith yet!

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